By Laszlo Scofflaw

You can’t pick up a publication for lawyers these days (including this one) without reading articles about “wellness” (whatever that is), or “work-life balance,” or similar new-age nonsense. I am fed up with all of you out there making a living in the law who are complaining about the stress of the job, or wanting to spend more time with your family, or the inability to engage in more enjoyable pursuits like camping in the great Colorado outdoors, or taking up the bassoon. Stop your whining. You can all kiss my namaste.


In my day we had a simple way to deal with what today’s pampered lawyers consider the stress of the job, and we summed it up in three little words: Suck It Up! You have chosen to work in a field that lets you put a roof over your head and food on your table and maybe even drive a car that is less than ten years old or vacation in Maui. Life is full of tradeoffs and you have voluntarily chosen to trade a lot of work for a sum of money. Deal with it.


My father worked six days a week for decades and not once did I hear him complain that he couldn’t spend more time with his family. Of course, knowing my family, perhaps that wasn’t such a bad thing. But that’s not the point. The point is that what you are doing is “work.” If it was fun, we’d call it “play.”

In the meantime you are getting fleeced, paying out good money for a life coach (gimme a break), yoga classes, counseling, self-help books on work-life balance, and meditation retreats run by an alleged guru who calls himself Ram Dass, but who is actually a high school dropout from Hoboken named Harold. Save all the money you are wasting on such garbage and maybe you can take off a couple of days of work next month.


I will now tell you how to deal with the supposed “stress” and “imbalance” of your prestigious, well-paying job. All the wellness you need is located in a bottle of Jack Daniels. That’s what I have done for decades, and you can see how stress-free and in-balance I am. The experts will warn you about abusing alcohol, but they are just a bunch of Chicken Littles. Need to talk to someone about the crap going on at work? That’s what friends are for. It is all too much for you? Suck it up or find another job.


Bottom line: stop whining and do what needs to be done. In forty years you can retire and then have all of the stress-free living and balance you can handle. But when that happens, I don’t want to hear you complain about all the time it takes to schlep your snotty-nosed grandkids to soccer games, which is eating into your time on the golf course or interfering with boozy lunches with your old colleagues. See, you’ll still be dealing with stress and life balance even then, so you may as well get used to it now.


You can now throw away all those worthless self-help books and magazine articles. You’re welcome.