“I’m coming after youse next,” said the Manhattan real estate mogul turned presidential candidate, referring to members of America’s legal profession. “I’m sick and tired of these lawyers who think they are so smart about the law,” he continued to uproarious crowds. “Let me tell you something: I make deals. I’ve done it my whole life, and I’ve made a fortune,” bragged the Republican frontrunner. “What did these scumbag lawyers ever do, close the deal?!? Wrooooong! I close deals. I’m fantastic at closing deals. You have never seen deals as good as I can close.”
The crowd echoed Trump’s blunt, if not blustering style. It is not clear if he feeds off of the audience or if they feed off of him. “You know, my mother — she was a saint. She would read Shakespeare to me as a young boy,” Trump continued, now risking losing the crowd with that high-brow literary name-drop. “You know what Shakespeare said? He said first thing we do is kill all the lawyers!” The crowd roared with cackles and cheers. “When I’m president, I won’t let a lawyer get within one mile of the Supreme Court,” promised the presidential candidate.
After previously alienating Mexicans, Muslims, and threatening to bring back waterboarding and “far worse than waterboarding,” Trump has now turned his wrath to the legal practitioners of the United States. Trump’s latest proposal has been to ban attorneys from becoming judges because they are “too inside.” To borrow his words, “We need outsiders in the court. I’m an outsider; I’ve always been an outsider. We don’t just need tort reform — we need court reform. When I’m president, I will ban all lawyers,” Trump exclaimed as the crowd cheered. Trump justified his plan by pointing out that in every court trial, at least one lawyer loses. “But I like winners,” he snapped with his confident trademark smirk.
In an interview after his rally, Trump explained that despite lawyers being experts on the law, they cannot be trusted to interpret the law. “We need untrained, regular people to make common-sense decisions on complex legal matters,” explained one Trump supporter to visibly puzzled reporters.
“We are going to make America great again — by killing all of America’s lawyers,” said Trump. When pressed for further details, he claimed that he could not reveal specifics, but he promised the plan would be “fantastic.” “It will be the best plan you have ever seen,” he bragged.
After the speech, Trump’s advisors hinted at his next proposal, which he is expected to outline next week: disallowing licensed surgeons from practicing medicine. Trump said of that coming proposal, “I once owned a medical supply factory, and I have been fantastic at providing medical care. My customers got so healed that they got bored of getting healed. We don’t need fancy doctors telling us how to cure our diseases and injuries,” Trump exclaimed. As a medical professional himself, Dr. Ben Carson called Trump’s surgeon scapegoating plan “a load of crap” before quickly changing the subject to what he postulates was the true purpose of Egypt’s Great Sphinx.
Senator Marco Rubio also weighed in on Trump’s plan for legal reform, stating, “let’s dispel once and for all this fiction that lawyers don’t know what they are doing. Lawyers are undertaking a systematic effort to change this country and make this country more like the rest of the world,” said the senator in a somewhat robotic response. He went on to repeat this exact line four times in the same interview. Former Ohio Governor John Kaisich also offered comment, but no one was listening and everyone quickly forgot what he had to say.
To contrast himself, Senator Bernie Sanders proposed his own plan to provide “every man, woman and child in America with a free, government-appointed attorney to sue the Koch brothers and the government itself for all the injustices inflicted by our rigged system of inequality.”
Former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton denied being an attorney herself, took the Fifth and then deleted every trace of her bar exam results from her home server.
Finally, in a poll of likely voters, support for Trump’s legal reform plan was split 50-50. However, nearly 100 percent of respondents believed that the opposing position was “pure evil” and that those respondents who disagreed with their own position “definitely hate America” and “want the terrorists to win.” D